WORTHY Re-Birth Day Flash Sale

A Re-Birth Story

I’m writing this post with the most heartfelt gratitude for the gift of living. I’m grateful for the  abundant love, connection, opportunity, adventure, and joy in my life and for the pain, loss, sorrow, grief, heartbreak, and dismay. 

It all means I’m alive. 

On October 20th, 2000, my life nearly came to an end. A viral infection ravaged my heart (very rare); I experienced hundreds of episodes of cardiac arrest, 1 hour and 48 minutes of total organ failure, and CPR, all of which left me on life support and in a coma for six days. During that time, I experienced a circulatory complication in my right leg from the life support machine, which led to having 28 surgeries in 61 days to salvage the lower half of my right leg and save it from a below-the-knee amputation. Ultimately, the doctors were able to save my leg, but I lost over 70% of the muscles below my knee, and was left with a permanent physical diffrence called drop foot, for which I wear a custom ankle foot orthosis (AFO). 

Whew, that was a lot to digest, I know. Are you still with me? 

When I share this story with people, they often say things like, “You poor thing,” “Wow, you’ve had some bad luck,” “That must have been so scary,” or “Wow, you’re a fighter.” 

My response? 

I don’t feel sorry for myself. 

I am the luckiest person I know.

I am one of the bravest people I know. 

And I lived because I was supposed to. 

Was it hard? My God, yes. Was it terrifying at times? You bet. Was it physically agonizing? Yes, pain that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. 

I am grateful for it all. 

The whole experience is precious to me. I reflect on it each year, and it continues to teach me valuable lessons. 

The Lesson from Year 24

I’ve been exploring a concept I call,  “grateful surrender” this year. I keep coming back to the idea that surrendering to the will of my life’s path, from a place of authentic gratitude, will always yield the outcome that I need—not always what I want, but what I need. Gratitude allows me to be connected to a true sense of fulfillment, but also to take inventory of what’s teaching me, good or bad, in my life. Surrendering allows me to live with curiosity, excitement, and a sense of wonder. It allows me to be open to possibility, chance and magic. 

Control Freak

My therapist once said to me, “It seems that you have a way of muscling your way past miracles, Meliza.” That observation stopped me in my tracks. 

After an extremely abusive and traumatic upbringing that resulted in an extraordinarily dysfunctional nervous system, I had a way of fighting to control everything in my life. 

A real “go-getter type”. Growing up I was a top student, athlete, and musician. I volunteered at the local fire department, I always had a job, and I helped my parents at their respective restaurants. I got into the best universities, and got the highest paying jobs when I graduated. 

Don’t even get me started on my relationships…

I was operating from a place of scarcity, fear, unworthiness, insecurity and shame that fueled my “I’m going to make it all happen myself,” mentality.

I have a lot of compassion for that version of me. I learned to create safety for myself and while at a certain point I came to understand it as a maladaptive behavior, it served me pretty well in life. 

But, what a boring way to live; a great way to set myself up for an unfulfilling life because of my quest to control every little outcome, leaving no room for genuine curiosity, miracles and possibility. 

I needed to address myself and stop running away from my pain, grief and trauma. My healing journey has been ongoing for the last 5 years, and I feel so grateful for the way it has radically changed my life for the better, and continues to. 

Remembering

As I continue to evolve and learn more about myself, I learn to honor the courage and bravery of 12-year-old me. 

This year, I remembered that I’ve known how to surrender all along. 

I actually didn’t need to fight for my life when my time came unexpectedly. I surrendered to some innate knowing that I was going to be okay, regardless of the outcome. I hadn’t thought much about my death, considering I was a child. But when it dawned on me that my life was in grave danger, I surrendered. I didn’t know I was doing that at the time. I just did it. I looked at my parents and became an unending fountain of “I love yous”.

And in doing so, I made room for the possibility of the most miracluous outcome: living.

This year, my conscious practice of “grateful surrender” has afforded me the opportunity to live my life with a deeper sense of curiosity, wonder, and fulfillment. 

It feels good. It feels like the ease I always fought my way through life for. I just needed to remember what it was like to lay down my sword. 

So I ask you this:

Where in your life are you resisting surrender? Where can you let go and submit to possibility, magic, chance or curiosity? 

It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Can you dip your toes into the ocean of surrender and see how it feels? 

Warning, it might feel gross at first. Try it anyway. 

Do you find yourself resisting these questions, or annoyed that I’m asking them? 

Good. 

I love you. 

-Meliza

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